Day One-hundred-and-twenty-six: Just before a diet

Today, the second to the last day before I cut off my TV, was mostly spent in front of it sleeping, when I wasn't eating or on the Internet.  Now, I'm tired.  I'm sure I will be watching a good bit tomorrow night as well.  Wednesday I call Comcast and cancel my TV but I will keep my Internet service, even over my six-week absence.

Thursday I have a Senior Support Group, laid off exec's not old, although most of the group are probably older, meeting in the morning in downtown San Francisco.  Then in the evening I have a Toastmasters meeting.  I did receive my Toastmaster material while I was gone.  I don't know whether it came Friday or Saturday.

I've always dreamed of curling up with a good book in the dormer of an attic when it was raining.  Today it rained just like I dreamed but I didn't have a good book, that I hadn't previously read, nor did I want to go out in the rain to get a new one.  Besides, it quit quickly enough that I would have been unlikely to find one and get back in time to read it while it was raining.  Nor come to think of it, do I have a dormer.

I've eaten well today, if a lot could be said to be well.  For dinner I made whole wheat pancakes but that was my most industrious cooking.  For lunch I warmed up a can of vegetarian baked beans and "cooked" some frozen mixed vegetables.  I shook a little of the Indian spices my oldest daughter gave me and they did make the vegetables quite tasty.  For breakfast I had my high-fiber standby, oatmeal and All Bran.

I thought about making bread but couldn't raise my enthusiasm to do it.  I even thought about making a batch of beer bread but needed to go get flour to do even that.  I couldn't even work up the energy to make any bread when I threw some hotdog buns away that had been in the freezer for at least a year.  I didn't even bother to toast them, let alone taste them.

I will have to go food shopping tomorrow and am thinking about making a run to deliver my youngest daughter's belated birthday present.  She flew off to Florida the weekend after her Friday birthday but I didn't even have it then.  She is due back tomorrow.  I don't know exactly when they are to fly in but if I can drop the present off in a way that animals won't get into it, not that it has any odor that would attract them, I don't actually have to see them.  I do want to get back for my last election addiction fix, watching the returns.

I didn't win the trip to Chicago to join Barack Obama's election night festivities, which should be obvious from my alternative plans, above.  I did get a call today where there was nothing on the other end.  I thought it might be one of those robo-calls so I hung up.  If it was from Obama's campaign, I may have missed out on a trip to Chicago.  Oh well, I didn't have anyone to go with any way.  Come to think of it, I haven't seen anyone today, even when I went out to collect my trash can and recycling bins.  Even though I get my energy from being alone and from more contemplative tasks, I do miss people in my Life after Layoff.  I just know too few people locally, and most of those work.  I'd hate to get a job just to be with people.  I have to find another way.

I know, I'll go off on a cross-country road trip to be with family for at least five weeks.

Day Thirty-seven: Celebrating 60

When I got up this morning, I sang "Happy Birthday" to my wife who would have turned 60 on this day. My plans were to have a quiet day of reflection and remembrance, hiking to her favorite Pacifica spot in the morning and doing something else in the afternoon. I cried when I sang "Happy Birthday;" I cried when I IM'd my son; I cried when I talked with my oldest daughter; I cried when I talked with my youngest daughter; and I cried when she got here. My eyes are even tearing up as I write this.

[Picture taken at King's Canyon in June of 2005, when she had cancer but before it was diagnosed.]

Yes, I still miss her, even painfully so, but a lot of the tears were due to more pleasant memories, all of which are bittersweet.

My daughter and I did hike to where the Portola Expedition discovered the San Francisco Bay, starting at 1:00 PM. We also stopped into a furniture store that Marilyn really liked, and had taken me there to look at stressless recliners, which is why we went there today, to look at them for me. (I've needed a new recliner ever since my old "Blue" was taken to the dump.) After we got back to the house, we each had one of the vegan chocolate cupcakes that I had made, with a commemorative birthday candle. We then went to Greens, Marilyn's favorite San Francisco restaurant. Greens was, and may still be, associated with a Zen Buddhist farm in Marin. It is completely vegetarian, with some vegan options. We went there a couple times when she was still on the Gerson Therapy as they allowed her to bring in her Gerson food since it was very much vegetarian. (If the lymphedema hadn't effectively halted this therapy, I believe she would have lived.)

I remember back before this recent round of cancer, I was planning on having a big blowout embarrassing birthday party for her on her 60th. I had kept from doing this at earlier milestones because, since I was slightly younger than her, she would have been able to obtain her revenge. I figured that at 60 I was myself to old to care and everyone should have at least one embarrassing birthday. I guess change is the essence of life, even Life after Layoff.

Marilyn, you are still loved. I just wish you could be here to share my freedom. We would be traveling this whole year, but somehow traveling by myself just doesn't have the appeal. Even driving around here I find myself thinking: "Marilyn would have loved that;" or "I'd like to tell Marilyn about this."